My All-Entertainment NBA Team

After today’s news that the Golden State Warriors changed their names to the MONSTARS, I decided to draft my most entertaining hypothetical NBA roster. I stress most entertaining, because this isn’t a hypothetical “Best Team” one could assemble (although there is significant overlap), but rather which group of basket-ballers would ensure that on any given night you were sure to see something you hadn’t before.

I limited this hypothetical to only those players I’ve watched live TV at ten and older (1997 and sooner), which still includes His Airness, but precludes the Showtime Lakers, and other greats.

Starting Five: 

PG: Mid 2000s Steve Nash - There was a point where he was averaging 50/40/90 and crossing up

 helpless defenders all while his floppy hair seemed to rub it in with a “sup bro.” His signature move was dribbling under the hoop, appearing lost with no real destination in mind, and then suddenly either hitting a wide open 10 foot jumper or lobbing a jaw-dropping oop to Amare. Bonus: He and Kobe play 1 on 1 soccer before games on turf field put on the court.

SG: MJ | Kobe - Two of the greatest competitors to ever lace em’ up, and perhaps the two greatest shooting guards of all time. The hypothetical is even better when we throw in this kicker: Before each game, the two must battle in a one-on-one competition of the fans’ 

choosing to determine who starts that evening’s game. One night it may be Table Tennis, the next could be Checkers, and the next night could be a 50m breast-stroke swim. The competitions are recorded
and aired in the arena during halftime, further incentivizing fans to attend in person (video of the competitions aren't released to the public for 48 hours). On the court, we could expect plenty of showmanship, dunks, and defense. Best of all, each would enter the arena with the competitive fury of a bull at a rodeo.

SF: Vince Carter – For pure entertainment value, there are few who top Air Canada. Nothing against LeBron, but despite LeBron being a better all-around player, Carter’s dunking portfolio is 2^nd to none. With Vince in the starting line-up, fans are going to do whatever they have to do to make sure they are in their seats at tip-off. 

PF: Shawn Kemp | KG – Supremely athletic power forwards with a mean streak, both could dunk with the power of a center and the finesse and creativity of a shooting guard. KG is the better player, but as Kemp’s #1 dunkshows, it’s hard to beat Kemp’s almost comical insanity. As with Kobe & MJ, these two would have to battle each night to determine who starts. KG & Shawn would compete in a trash talk battle a la Nick Cannon’sWild n’ Out (sorry parents, this

definitely wouldn’t be a PG event). The team would bring in different judges each night to determine the starter, including local celebrities for away games.

C: Shaq – As great as Shaq was, he was also a genuinely funny dude. You’d want him on the team just for his soundbites, much less his ability to break a backboard. Bonus: Shaq has to take all of his free throws from the three point line. Double Bonus: He has to play point guard on 25% of his possessions.

Reserves

Steph Curry: Dude is ballet in basketball shoes and provides instant offense. Some would want him to start over Nash, but Nash gets the nod due to his passing ability. Bonus: He would have to wear his white shoes during each game. Kids would participate in a raffle to draw in colored pencil on the shoes before each game. Double Bonus: The other team is assessed a free throw for every 5 seconds his mouth-guard is out of his mouth.

Allen Iverson - Not my favorite athlete, but the “pound for pound…” comment rings true and he’s nothing if not entertaining. Bonus: He intros the team’s “Practice” segment before each game.

LeBron James: He doesn’t start over Vince Carter, but he probably finishes each game if it’s close. Bonus: He anchors a segment called “The Decision” that features team management and some of the decisions they have to make.

Antoine Walker – This team would obviously be winning by a large margin in most games; Antoine’s only on this roster for his shimmy.

Rasheed Wallace – Talk about entertainment value! From the Malice at the Palace to his litany of other technical fouls, this guy is the best “goon” basketball has seen. His volatile nature detracted from his play, but Mr. Wallace could most definitely ball. 

Hakeem Olajuwon – What could be better than pairing the almost zen-like Olajuwon with ‘Sheed? In my view, Hakeem is one of those greats who is still underrated (he has the most blocks in NBA history {granted, they weren’t recorded when Russell was playing}). He was also more athletic in his Phi Slamma Jamma days than may remember. The “Dream Shake” is also perhaps my favorite move (slightly edging Dirk’s one-legged fadeaway).

Dirk – It’s my list and I’ll add who I want, even if gangly white dudes draining threes may not provide great entertainment value. Bonus: watching the 7' Shaq to 7' Dirk drive and dish.

Woody Harrelson – Woody brings his “White Men Can’t Jump” role from the silver screen to the hardwood and becomes a mesh of everyone’s favorite hometown walk-on and B-list celebrity. Bonus: Woody stays in character just to incite drama with ‘Sheed and A.I.

Coach – Bobby Knight. Despite this team going 80-2, Bobby would still find a way to throw a chair.

Tell me you wouldn’t pay decent money and $11 for beers to watch this team?