After today’s news that the Golden State Warriors changed
their names to the MONSTARS, I decided to draft my most entertaining hypothetical NBA roster. I stress most entertaining, because this isn’t a hypothetical
“Best Team” one could assemble (although there is significant overlap), but rather
which group of basket-ballers would ensure that on any given night you were
sure to see something you hadn’t before.
I limited this hypothetical to only those players I’ve
watched live TV at ten and older (1997 and sooner), which still includes His
Airness, but precludes the Showtime Lakers, and other greats.
Starting Five:
SG: MJ | Kobe - Two of the greatest competitors to ever lace
em’ up, and perhaps the two greatest shooting guards of all time. The
hypothetical is even better when we throw in this kicker: Before each game, the
two must battle in a one-on-one competition of the fans’
and aired in the arena during halftime, further incentivizing fans to attend in person (video of the competitions aren't released to the public for 48 hours). On the court, we could expect plenty of showmanship, dunks, and defense. Best of all, each would enter the arena with the competitive fury of a bull at a rodeo.
SF: Vince Carter – For pure entertainment value, there are
few who top Air Canada. Nothing against LeBron, but despite LeBron
being a better all-around player, Carter’s dunking portfolio is 2nd
to none. With Vince in the starting line-up, fans are going to do
whatever they have to do to make sure they are in their seats at tip-off.
PF: Shawn Kemp | KG – Supremely athletic power forwards with
a mean streak, both could dunk with the power of a center and the finesse and
creativity of a shooting guard. KG is the better player, but as Kemp’s #1 dunkshows, it’s hard to beat Kemp’s almost comical insanity. As with Kobe & MJ,
these two would have to battle each night to determine who starts. KG &
Shawn would compete in a trash talk battle a la Nick Cannon’sWild n’ Out (sorry parents, this
C: Shaq – As great as Shaq was, he was also a genuinely
funny dude. You’d want him on the team just for his soundbites, much less his
ability to break a backboard. Bonus: Shaq has to take all of his free throws
from the three point line. Double Bonus: He has to play point guard on 25% of
his possessions.
Reserves
Steph Curry: Dude is ballet in basketball shoes and provides
instant offense. Some would want him to start over Nash, but Nash gets the nod
due to his passing ability. Bonus: He would have to wear his white shoes during
each game. Kids would participate in a raffle to draw in colored pencil on the
shoes before each game. Double Bonus: The other team is assessed a free throw
for every 5 seconds his mouth-guard is out of his mouth.
Allen Iverson - Not my favorite athlete, but the “pound for
pound…” comment rings true and he’s nothing if not entertaining. Bonus: He
intros the team’s “Practice” segment before each game.
LeBron James: He doesn’t start over Vince Carter, but he
probably finishes each game if it’s close. Bonus: He anchors a segment called “The
Decision” that features team management and some of the decisions they have to
make.
Antoine Walker – This team would obviously be winning by a
large margin in most games; Antoine’s only on this roster for his shimmy.
Rasheed Wallace – Talk about entertainment value! From the
Malice at the Palace to his litany of other technical fouls, this guy is the
best “goon” basketball has seen. His volatile nature detracted from his play, but Mr. Wallace could most definitely ball.
Hakeem Olajuwon – What could be better than pairing the almost
zen-like Olajuwon with ‘Sheed? In my view, Hakeem is one of those greats who is
still underrated (he has the most blocks in NBA history {granted, they weren’t
recorded when Russell was playing}). He was also more athletic in his Phi
Slamma Jamma days than may remember. The “Dream Shake” is also perhaps my
favorite move (slightly edging Dirk’s one-legged fadeaway).
Dirk – It’s my list and I’ll add who I want, even if gangly
white dudes draining threes may not provide great entertainment
value. Bonus: watching the 7' Shaq to 7' Dirk drive and dish.
Woody Harrelson – Woody brings his “White Men Can’t Jump”
role from the silver screen to the hardwood and becomes a mesh of everyone’s
favorite hometown walk-on and B-list celebrity. Bonus: Woody stays in character
just to incite drama with ‘Sheed and A.I.
Coach – Bobby Knight. Despite this team going 80-2, Bobby would still find
a way to throw a chair.
Tell me you wouldn’t pay decent money and $11 for beers to
watch this team?
